Recently, I had a coaching client who took the EQ360 assessment on his emotional intelligence. The EQ360 assesses five behaviors including self-perception, self-expression, interpersonal composite, decision making and stress management based upon 133 responses to statements. From this assessment, the EQ360 has a “Well-Being Indicator” which shows the participant’s happiness scale.
The coaching client’s happiness was in the low range. This became a point of conversation.
The client challenged me, “What makes you happy?” I answered him with a question, “Who are the people you know who are happy?” I followed up with another question. “What is the source of their happiness?”
As he shared his thoughts on the source of happiness of these people he knew, he touched on what I have discovered about happiness and it’s sources.
Personally, I find the happiest people have several of these traits:
- They know their purpose in life and are living it. They are not living a life of someone else’s expectations.
- They love themselves just as they are. They realize they are not perfect and they will never be perfect and they are good with that. They aren’t worried about what others think of them.
- They have low expectations of others. They seem to never be disappointed in others. They suspend judgement and accept people as they are including their imperfections, failures and scars. Yet, they support others and help where they can.
- They seem to have a heaping dose of gratitude and practice living into gratitude daily.
- They get more pleasure from giving than consuming.
- They have reduced complexity in their lives and embrace simplicity.
- They regularly take time for themselves. They have balance in their lives. They work some. They play some. They eat well. They get exercise. They get enough sleep. They make time to do nothing!
“The absence of disease is not health. Here's how we get to health: We need to reverse the formula for happiness and success. I found that most companies and schools follow a formula for success, which is this: If I work harder, I'll be more successful. And if I'm more successful, then I'll be happier. That under girds most of our parenting and managing styles, the way that we motivate our behavior.” Shawn Achor's TED Talk: The happy secret to better work
Do you view “work” as the opposite of happiness? If you see your job or work as a chore rather than a calling, how do you think it will impact your happiness? The two most important days of our lives are the day we are born and the day we discover why. If you haven’t discovered why or are not living your purpose, how do you think it will impact your happiness? Need inspiration to discover this? Listen to Krista Tippett's On Being interview with John Cary on Becoming a Father Restored my Creativity.
Are you on the “hamster wheel” of when I get a raise, a better job, a vacation, a _______ then I will be happy? What are you grateful for right now? Could you be grateful for the simple, ordinary, daily things like turning on the faucet for a glass of cool, clear, safe-to-drink water? Could you be grateful for failure?
Mistakes are feedback! - Billie Jean King
Failures don’t feel good, but they are learning opportunities. Could you be grateful for a headache? Headaches are not pleasant but they can be a realization of how often you are free of headaches and take good health for granted.
Do you make a difference in someone’s life?
Who are your the five people you are closest in your life? We are the five people we hang with. Are those five people happy? Do you need to make a trade or two among these five? Suggestion. Look and build relationships that inspire and challenge you to be a better person. Look and build relationships that make you laugh.
How complicated is your life? Graham Hill explains how when he simplified his life, owned less, he gained more happiness! I can identify with this. We cut our carbon footprint significantly when we moved to North Carolina. That bumper sticker, “Own less. Live more.” is true! Watch Hill’s TED Talk, Less Stuff, more happiness to learn more.
Do you want explore happiness? Check out Adam Grant’s, Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success
My apologies to all those motivational speakers who promote, "Choose happiness!" We don't choose happiness. Happiness is the result of what we do and how we are with others. What behaviors, what thoughts do you need to change to evoke happiness?
‘“I remember it perfectly,” says Marc Cuspinera of his first day in 1989. “I couldn’t believe they were making me clean rocks. I’m a cook. I didn’t expect to be doing this. It’s not so great. But I get it. It’s true that all these details add up.”’ The Sorcerer’s Apprentices by Lisa Abend, pages 28-29.
Do you have a job description? Does it spell out to whom you report? Does it have a list of responsibilities and expectations? Does it have a final sentence, one last bullet point… “Other duties as assigned?”
“Other duties as assigned” maybe the most important part of a job description and it maybe the least understood.
As the job interviewer, this is an important point to discuss with a job seeker. Be clear on expectations with the job seeker. Invite others who maybe be part of the interview process to explore this point with the applicant. “Other duties as assigned” conversations give clues to how well the job seeker works with others.
With so many organizations from for-profit to not-for-profit to government running lean, working outside the job description is the norm, rather than the exception.
As a job seeker, give this point some critical thinking. Be clear on expectations. Be aware of your pride and how it might get you into trouble if asked to do “Other duties as assigned.” If asked to do “Other duties as assigned” and you respond: “That’s not my area.” “I don’t do ________.” “I didn’t sign-up for this.” “That is beneath my education level.” This could begin your exit from the organization. Remember, the customer is anyone who relies on your work including your boss, your cohorts and those dealing with your organization. How you respond and treat your internal customers has significant impact on how your treat your external customer who actually contributes to your income!
As a job seeker, you may need to redefine and expand your definition of work. You may need to check reality with your perception. You may need to get out of your comfort zone. Flexibility, cohesiveness and collaboration are essential work-life behaviors organizations are looking for in those they hire. It is not productive to try to argue that “Other duties as assigned” are not in one's job description.
Stretch
your contentment. While contentment is in the here and now,
self-discipline needs to trump contentment. Delay contentment for a
greater good and better long-range possibilities. Most of all, its about
looking beyond me to we. “Other duties as assigned”
is about me to we. It takes a team to succeed and move forward, not an
individual. As good as LeBron James was in the 2015 NBA finals, it was a
team who won the title.
If you do have heartburn over a specific “Other duties as assigned,” then have the courage to talk with your superior about this. Do not go triangulate, complain or gripe with your cohorts about your “Other duties as assigned.” This is not healthy for either you or your organization. Learn when to roll with “Other duties as assigned” and when to push back. Discover the benefits for you and the organization to perform “Other duties as assigned.” Finally, learn to laugh at the unusual, unexpected “Other duties as assigned.”
“Other duties as assigned” reveals your willingness to sacrifice and become significant. As the father of a U.S. Marine, sacrifice is a given. A Marine recruit knows full well before they step off the bus onto the yellow steps at boot camp “Other duties as assigned” and sacrifice will be a lifestyle. “Other duties as assigned” may not lead to success, but it will lead to significance. Significance is the impact we have on other people’s lives, hopefully positive.
Recognize that you can also do “Other duties as assigned” on your own without being asked. This form of “Other duties as assigned” might be a random act of kindness or an act of going the extra mile. Watch Netflix's Reed Hasting's encounter of “Other duties as assigned” and the impact it made on him.
Lean into “Other duties as assigned.” It could impact your future beyond your imagination and expectation!
Networking is not what you know, its who you know. Who you know is key to creating a brighter future.
“The key to networking is to stop networking.” Nobody wants to have a ‘networking conversation.’ They are hungry for real conversations and real relationships. It just has to be authentic, genuine and sincere.” Greg McKeown, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less.
What networkers don’t tell you, is that networking is like your smart phone - a source of distractions! You have to know what to avoid and focus on what is truly essential.
Your overall goal in networking is to be significant to those you meet. What value do you bring to the conversation? What is the value of knowing you? Your title, your status, your success are about you and do nothing for those you meet.
Here are seven fundamental rules to effective networking.
First rule - dress so as not to draw attention to your appearance, but to the conversation you wish to have with others. This also means fresh breathe, a warm smile, eye contact and good handshake!
Second rule - when you enter the gathering space, don’t wait to be found, go find! This maybe a challenge for some introverts!
Third rule - have a crisp, professionally printed business card on high quality thick card stock with your key contact information and some tag line that summarizes your purpose and hints at the value you may bring to your card’s recipient. Your business card is your one-of-a-kind miniature billboard. It helps create that positive first impression. It needs to be simple, clean and easy to read. If you can’t get this info on one side of a business card, get help! There is lot’s of white space for my contact to jot down information.
Fourth rule - have plenty of business cards ready to handout at all times. I always have cards in the chest pocket of my sport coat or suit. Extra business cards are in my business card case in my sport coat pocket as well as my billfold and briefcase...even more in the glove compartment of my car! Be prepared.
Fifth rule - First, if you have a drink, keep the drink in your left hand so your right hand is ready to shake hands ( as well as not cold and wet!) Networking is not about telling, its all about asking and truly listening with good follow-up questions. This is at the heart of a real conversation and the beginning of a relationship. It is about being interested rather than interesting. People you come in contact with don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. Great networkers ask great questions. The questions can be more important than the answers!
If someone shares something, refrain from telling your story on top of theirs. AND make sure you don’t try to one-up or compete with their story! Be secure in yourself. Ask another question about what they have just shared. And by all means, make sure your body language is in sync with your questions! There is nothing worse than asking a question as your eyes stray across the room!
A few of my favorite networking questions are:
- What has surprised or intrigued you about this gathering? Followed up with, ‘That’s interesting! Tell me more!’
- What are you expecting from being at this gathering? (This maybe an opportunity to help make this happen!) Followed up with, ‘That’s interesting! Tell me more!’
- Who would you like to connect with here at this gathering? (You maybe their connection and can help them out!) Followed up with, ‘That’s interesting! Tell me more!’
- What are you looking forward to doing or seeing? (Another opportunity for you to help make this happen!) Followed up with, ‘That’s interesting! Tell me more!’
- What has your interest and attention on the Internet or what you are reading? Followed up with, ‘That’s interesting! Tell me more!’
Notice that none of these questions are:
- What do you do for a living?
- How long have you been at __________?
- How long have you lived in __________?
- Do you know _________? He/she works in HR at your company.
- “I’m looking to ______________. Who do you know that I should be talking to?”
If the "What do you do for a living?" question pops out of your mouth (after all, we are creatures of habit!) follow it up with, "Wow, that sounds interesting!" or "Wow, that sounds hard!" or "Wow, that sounds amazing!" or Wow, that sounds awesome!" or "Wow, that sounds edgy!" This response shows you are interested and can get the person sharing more.
Sixth rule - ask for a business card. Jot down the date and key words about this connection.
Seventh rule - follow up with those you meet at the gathering, immediately. I recommend a handwritten, snail mail note with your business card telling the person you’d like to continue the conversation over coffee or tea. Then follow up with a phone call or email to make an appointment roughly 4 to 5 business days later.
Are there other networking behaviors you would add and recommend?
Congratulations to the Class of 2015! your hard work has paid off! Get a “selfie” of that! Do not forget to thank all those supporters who helped you get here including your parents, family and most of all your teachers. Get an "usie” with all those folks!
In 1906, Vilfredo Pareto, an Italian economist observed that 80 percent of the land in Italy was owned by 20 percent of the population. He observed that the same ratio was applicable to other areas of economics.
Check your “selfies” and “usies”. Are they in line or contrary to Pareto’s Principle?
The Pareto Principle—also known as the 80-20 rule—doesn’t just describe the way things are; it can also be used as a powerful tool to help you focus and redirect your energies, becoming more efficient and more successful in the long term. Pareto’s Principle is about unconscious consistency and habit.
Pareto’s observation applies far more widely than he originally imagined. The 80-20 rule holds true for things like:
20% of the clothes in your closet are worn 80% of the time.
20% of the food you eat is the same 80% of the time. FYI - 20% of food you eat contributes to 80% of weight gain.
You spend 80% of your time with 20% of your friends. Look who is in your “usies”!
80% of the space on shelves, in our closets, in our drawers hold clutter.
80% of what you own brings you 20% of your happiness.
Think back to clubs or groups you involved with. Was not 80% of the work done by 20% of the membership?
Bottom line, 20% of activities produce 80% of results. My apologies to the educational institutions, but 80% of what you learned these past four years (or five, or six years) you will forget. 20% is crucial. Don't worry, the Internet will be there for you.
Here is another 80/20 reality. You will fail more, perhaps as much as 80% of the time, than succeed. It’s okay as long as you fail forward, in other words learn from your mistakes and failures. It’s in failure where the great discoveries are made. One of my favorite TED Talk presenters, Brené Brown, points out that the TED conference is actually the failure conference! Many speakers share their multiple failures on the way to reaching success. That 80% failure rate means we constantly need to learn and relearn. And you thought you were done with homework!
"We may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated." - Maya Angelou
If you want to achieve the goals you desire, change your strategy and refocus your energy on the 20% of activities that will help you to achieve these goals.
If you don’t have a job yet I suggest you utilize Pareto’s Principle. 80% of your possibilities lie within 20% of your contacts. Make sure these people are in your “usies”! Could they refer you to those who might benefit from the passion, gifts and knowledge you have? If you’re looking to lengthen your list of powerful, profitable, connective contacts, it’s worth your time to ask for referrals from the folks who already spend the most with you.
Take time to discover who is worth spending the time and those who generate the most life enhancing benefits. This accounting will show you where to spend time and resources wisely.
One of the key take-aways of Pareto’s Principle is recognize that most things in life are not distributed evenly. In other words, life is not fair. Remember, the Pareto Principle is an observation, not a law of nature. The Pareto Principle does not have to define your life…unless you let it. You have a choice on where, on how, on when and with whom you spent the important 20%. Get a “usie” of you working on this!
Learn to maximize life with those who matter most. What matters most is sharing.
"Short as life is, we make it still shorter by the careless waste of time". -Victor Hugo
Lisa Gansky, The Mesh: Why The Future of Business is Sharing, speaks to our relationship with stuff. We live in a shared economy. Our trust of government and corporations is at an all time low. Add to this, Paypal and EBay showed us we could trust the Internet to do transactions. Apple and Google created cell phones that make us reachable and findable. Facebook and LinkedIn validated who we are and the 2008 Great Recession changed lives! This “perfect storm” has lead to, we don’t need to own “it,” but we do need to share it! I believe Pareto’s Principle speaks to this! Own 20% of what you need and share the the 80% of what you want!
Need transportation, call Uber or Lyft! Need housing? Connect with Airbnb, HomeAway or Windu! Want food away from the typical venues and don’t want to dine alone? Try EatWith! Need funding for a project? There is Kickstarter, LendingClub and Prosper. Need help with a project? Try TaskRabbit or Zaarly. Got tools to share with neighbors? Go to yerdle. Have you got excess energy and want to put it on the grid? Connect with SolarCity!
Woody Allen says that 80% of success is showing up. For Uber, Airbnb and the other players in the shared economy, it’s more like a 100%! Listen to Uber, not Woody.
Learn to make sharing irresistible. Learn to make sharing vital. What if sharing took upwards of 80% of your time and energy? How might sharing impact the law of abundance for you?
Sharing allows us to test things out. It allows to expand and contract, be more vibrant and engaged with others. Sharing also allows us to share our vulnerability, our fears, our mistakes and our failures! When we share more, guess what happens to trust? Guess how much closer and quicker we get to success? Those are the “usies” we need to see more of!
Dan Pink’s Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, says organizations not using Motivation 3.0 are headed to irrelevance. Motivation 1.0 was about survival and outrunning the hunter. Motivation 2.0 was about reward and punishment, carrots and sticks. Motivation 3.0 is about autonomy, mastery and purpose. Watch Pink's presentation at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u6XAPnuFjJc.
Isn't
the common organization mantra, "People are our most important
asset?" Aren't organizations continuously trying to tap into their most
important asset? Installing Motivation 3.0 in the workplace culture will get you employee engagement, which can yield faster, better, less expensive and safer solutions to problems. Employee engagement has shown to improve morale and reduce turnover. Productivity is increased.
But before you install Motivation 3.0, it might be wise to check the “work culture operating system.” What is the work culture and who impacts the work culture? What behaviors create engagement versus disengagement? It boils down to two practices, good etiquette and vulnerability-based trust.
Who is the “customer?" The "customer" is anyone who relies on our work. The way internal customers are treated impacts external customers. Be responsive to questions or requests. This is work etiquette 101. When an employee asks a question or makes a request, don’t ignore it until they have to ask again. Respond the same day if possible, within 24 hours at the latest.
Walk-your-talk. Set a positive example. “Do as I say, not as I do,” kills respect, hurts integrity and lowers morale. Be a role model, not a hypocrite. If you want respect, give respect, including:
- Don’t be late to meetings. This is bad etiquette.
- Turn off your cell phone in meetings. To look at your cell phone, or worse, take a phone call during a meeting is bad etiquette.
- Take notes on paper, not on iPads or laptops. Even if you are truly taking notes on an electronic device, it creates suspicion. The only person who should take notes on a electronic device in a meeting is the designated recorder or secretary.
- Don’t be a workaholic. Sending emails and texts late at night or on weekends and expecting a reply, says you don’t respect cohorts' life outside of work.
If you are not actively listening to others in face-to-face encounters or in meetings, you are hurting employee engagement. Multitasking during face-to-face meetings is bad etiquette and a relationship killer. When your eyes drop to your lap, you are hurting your credibility.
Remember what you ask team members to do. Leaders forget now and then. When you do forget, it sends the message that what you asked them to do may not really be that important.
Be aware of your Leadership Privilege. Do not be ashamed of Leadership Privilege, but do be aware of it and do not use it to take advantage of followers. Leadership Privilege looks like:
- Always having reliable transportation to get to work on time. It may include having a company car.
- Special parking which is great especially in bad weather.
- An office with good lighting, an ergonomic chair, the latest computer and privacy.
- Always having a seat at the meeting table and usually in a key location.
- Having knowledge that followers do not have. Knowledge is power. Be mindful of impact of withholding or not being transparent. Misusing your power is a form of bullying.
Take a lesson from the Marines. Officers always eat last!
Be aware of disloyalty, betrayal and brutality. These three behaviors destroy employee engagement and kill trust.
- Disloyalty. An employee shares an idea and the leader doesn’t acknowledge it. This is treating the employee like a stranger.
- Betrayal. An employee shares an idea and the leader shares it with higher ups and takes credit. This is treating the employee like a competitor or an enemy.
- Brutality. You are in a meeting and you share a thought or idea. The leader responds: you are stupid; that is the worst idea ever; asks, 'why you can’t be more like ______?' This is treating the employee as if he/she is sub-human and unworthy. This is a form of bullying.
Be sensitive to overworked employees. The leader, manager or supervisor that ignores or is oblivious that an employee is overloaded will not get engagement. How many times have you heard “My boss has no idea of what I do or how hard I work!”? Bosses need to take time to shadow their staff, do ride-alongs and go to where their staff works. Open door policy should be replaced with “let-me-walk-a-mile-in-your-shoes” policy.
Is there ROJ (Retired on the Job) in the workplace? ROJ makes it harder on everyone else. If you supervise someone who has ROJ, don’t ignore it. This sends a negative message to those who are still working. Guess what it does for employee engagement?
Do not over-promise and under deliver. Do not make promises you cannot keep. This not only hurts credibility, it creates distrust and unwillingness to go the extra mile.
Micromanagement is not only an employee engagement killer, a huge trust killer.
Here are a couple of other Employee Engagement Killer apps:
- Playing favorites.
- Indecisiveness, waffling, avoiding a decision creates stress, bottlenecks and disengagement.
- Continuously changing the company org chart sends a signal of indecisiveness especially when there is little information on the reason for the changes.
- Betraying confidences kills relationships and employee engagement.
- Unwillingness to admit when wrong or own a mistake. Furthermore, to blame someone else for your mistake brings down employee engagement.
- The right way is my way on getting things done. This is a sign of a big ego.
- Unpredictable moods. Mood swings are disturbing and cause avoidance behavior.
- Don’t be a helicopter leader or ghost leader. In other words be available. Make time to meet one-on-one with staff.
As Tom Rath and Barry Conchie point out in their bestselling, Strengths Based Leadership, followers want leaders whom they trust, who have compassion, who build stability and who give hope. Live into these four behaviors and you will get employee engagement.
Recently, I spent money with an organization. It was a good experience and one I would recommend to others.
Then I got home and received an email asking me to fill out a survey.
I can't do it! I've got survey-fatigue. Filling out surveys maybe good for the organization, but they aren't a good use of my time.
I understand that in today's world, best experience wins, but the request for my time to fill out a survey actually hurts my experience with the organization. Furthermore, I know that the longer the survey and the more personal information requested, the business is actually gleaning more information about me for marketing to me. The trust factor takes a hit.
If I have had a negative experience with an organization, they will hear from me. How they respond will determine if I return or how I share my experience with others including via social media.
If the business really wants me to return as a customer, forget SurveyMonkey, eServ or Murvey. I suggest asking no more than three open ended questions about my experience before I leave the premises.
Finally, reward me for taking my time to answer the questions. After all I just spent money with you! Give me a coupon for a discount to entice my return.
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The second greatest commandment of the Christian faith is “‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’” Matthew 22: 37-40 (MSG)
I have always found this as THE MOST CHALLENGING COMMANDMENT because at the heart of this commandment, I have to look in the mirror and ask, “How much do I love this imperfect, scared, flawed, hurtful person so I can truly love others?” Can I love this person who at times seems unlovable? Can I own this who seems unworthy or does my greed, selfishness, pride and fear own me?
Hard to believe that what I see in the mirror, God says is worthy! I am like the father who asked Jesus to heal his sick child. Jesus asked the father if he believed? The father replied, “I believe. Help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 (MSG)
To add to this challenge, Jesus turned it up another notch. “Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.” John 15:13 (MSG)
I’m always looking for role models. I visited one this past weekend. My cousin, Jim, was in need of a kidney transplant. His oldest daughter, Carrie, didn’t hesitate to find out if she could give her father one of her healthy kidneys. They were a match! Here is a living example: Her body didn’t own her, but she owned her body. Not only was pride and selfishness ignored, but fear was looked in the eye and love won! Some call it grace, others call it an act of the Holy Spirit. No matter what you call it, it was the love Jesus spoke of in John 15:13.
There is some incredible support to enable this act of love. There is the love of Carrie’s mother for her father and for her. There is the love of family and friends for them. There is the love of the doctors and caregivers. Love connects! Love heals. Love wins! As I write this, both father and daughter are healing! Their healing heals my doubt!
Can you love yourself to to break the chains of selfishness, greed and fear to give your life to another? I believe. Help my unbelief.
