To The Graduating Class of 2013: You Must Be Present To Win!

Have you been to one of those events, programs, or grand openings which, upon registering, you receive a chance to win a door prize? Perhaps you’ve noticed the italicized print at the bottom of the ticket and sign..."Must be present to win". Sponsors want the patrons to experience the whole event. They don’t want the patron to miss anything, most of all the grand finale, the closing, the climax. This “Must be present to win!” is fundamental to living a life of significance. There have been some notable graduation speeches in which the “Must be present to win!” tagline applies.

- Steve Jobs to the Stanford graduates in 2005 said ...
    “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.”
 
Jobs was right. Been there. Done that. Got the connect-the-dots-artwork in my life. Yet people yearn to find a good fortune teller. There is money to be made in future forecasting and predicting trends. People still refer to Nostradamus. Yet Christ told his followers, only the Father knows what the future holds (Matt 24:36). You are what you believe. The real danger in your beliefs is absolute certainty. Absolute certainty creates so many problems for living a life of significance. Absolute certainty will suck the life out of you. Take the advice Andy gives Red in the 1994 movie, Shawshank Redemption, “Get busy living or get busy dying.” Great case for, “Must be present to win!”

Ellen DeGeneres to the graduates of Tulane in 2009 said ...
    “The definition of success changes. Success is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure to be something you are not. ... never follow some else’s path;   unless you’re in trouble in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path, then by all means, you should follow that.”

On the other hand, Ellen doesn’t take herself too seriously. She can laugh at herself. Laughter and humor are essential to “Must be present to win!” You will experience grief and laughter is the only cure.

- David Foster Wallace to the graduates of Kenyon College 2005 said ...
       “You can stand in that supermarket line, surrounded by irritating, equally bored people and if you want, you can imagine them beautiful or gentile or helpless - even it they’re not. You have the choice. Your education gives you the option to see things from several perspectives. You can call it delusional. Or you can call it hope. Or you can call it a form of pain relief from your own pain. Whatever you call it, with it, you are unshackled ... a chance to fly free. (Watch, “This is Water” at http://dotsub.com/view/6b8cc93f-3b53-486b-a1ce-025ffe6c9c52)

I was blessed to hear David Foster Wallace’s commencement speech in person at Kenyon College, Gambier, Ohio, in May of 2005. I didn’t recognize the real wisdom of this commencement address until I went back to read and reread it. Wallace’s comments are the ultimate, “Must be present to win!” We are the richest nation on earth not because of resources, things, geography, history or successes. We are rich because we have choice. This is the central point in Wallace’s address. Everyday begins with a choice of how you want to be experienced, what kind of attitude you want to put on, how you will treat others and a further array of choices! Choose wisely so you can continue “Must be present to win!”

- David Brooks to the graduates of Sewanee 2013 said ...
    “The third thing not to worry about is the question: Will I find my passion? Commencement speakers are always telling you to find your passion. This is the biggest load of crap old people have ever foisted on the young. No, you will not find your passion. Your passion will find you. Relax and wait for it."

Two things about Brook’s wisdom. Worry is a total waste of energy. Worry will keep you from “Must be present to win!” Worry removes you from the present and puts you into the realm of shame and fear. Fear is the absence of love. For love to happen and grow, “Must be present to win!”

Second, Brooks is right on when he says your passion will find you. I’ve met a lot of people searching for their purpose in life. What is more important is to remember your purpose! When you remember your purpose, your passion will show up. When your passion shows up, you are present to experience your whole life!

Have You Been Assessed?

The unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates

Taking personality and trait assessments throughout my life has contributed to better self-management, better coaching practices, and to better facilitating of teams, tribes and communities. Assessments are like mirrors. They reveal some interesting things but not necessarily the essentials! They are tools to help explore and discover more about oneself and others. Assessments are a starting point and not a be-all, end-all summary.

The most powerful assessments are of the 360 variety where you get anonymous feed back from supervisor, peers, direct reports, friends and others. They can create powerful “AHA” conversations. They can be catalyst for personal growth.

Here is a summary of the assessments I have taken:

Strength’s Finder - My five strengths include: Strategic, Connectedness, Learner, Maximizer, Belief 
Engramme - 9 (Peacemaker) 
Big Five - Open to new experiences, neither organized or dis-organized, both social and reserved, considers the feelings of others and calm in tense situations 
Herman Brain Dominance Inventory - D > C > A > B 
Devine Inventory - Action oriented, can turn arguments into discussions, seen as being on top of the situation, tactful and diplomatic, not satisfied with the status quo, stimulated by learning, enthusiasm for the audience, can create change, able to prioritize, has high energy 
Gregoric Style Delineator - Concrete Random (CR) 
DiSC - Promoter (i/D) 
MyHardwired - Yellow 
Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) - ENTJ (Qualified MBTI practioner) 
Temperament - NT 
Leadership Practices Inventory (LPI) - strong in all five areas of leadership including: modeling the way, challenging the way, enabling others to act, inspiring a shared vision and encouraging the heart
Emotional Intelligence EQi 2.0 - 113 (Certified)

Recently, as part of emotional intelligence certification, I took an EQ-i assessment. The assessment looks at self-perception, self-expression, interpersonal, decision making and stress management. The results indicated moving towards the high range for emotional intelligence. My “happiness” factor was also high.

Since the EQ-i is a self-validating assessment, I talked with the EQ-i facilitator. She asked if I was surprised by the results. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. The assessment validated much of what I know about myself. I acknowledged my strengths as well as areas for growth. I am still a work in progress!

Couple of things I’ve learned about assessments. We human beings are very complex. We are a bundle of habits shaped by nature and nurture. Add other human beings to our environment, lives and work and things become very interesting!

It’s not enough to be given results or feedback on the assessment. When your doctor screens you for blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar or any number of things, the results do not mean a thing without understanding how they impact the quality of life.

The same is true of assessments. Couple assessment results with experience-based learning labs, you can discover and understand how you show up and how others experience you. You can learn to bridge the gaps of reality-perception, knowing-doing and sighted-blind spots.

The tough questions can be asked. What habits need to challenged? What behaviors need to changed? What behaviors do I need to do more? What do I currently understand about myself? What do I need to do to better understand? What heart-to-heart conversation do I need to have with myself? Where can I get support?

Socrates was right!

Another Conspiracy?

Mother’s Day came upon us recently. Did you remember your mother? How did you remember your mother? Why should you remember your mother?

Perhaps you have bad memories of your mother...being made to eat your broccoli, nagged to hang up your towel after your shower or prevented from doing what your friends were allowed to have or do...no cable television in your bedroom, no staying out past 11 PM on a Friday night or being made to go to church on Sunday mornings instead of sleeping. (I hope there was a father in the house who sided with your mother!)

On the other hand you may have fond memories of your mother. She’s the one who stood up to that strict teacher who gave you a bad grade for turning in your project late. She’s the one who told the referee off after your soccer game for the red card you got. She’s the one who threw a fit at the bookstore when they ran out the latest Harry Potter book at the midnight release party. You only hope she’ll be there when you go for your first job interview. (I hope there was a father in the house who disagreed with your mother on those issues!)

Some think Mother’s Day is just another greedy greeting card, flower shop, restaurant ploy to sell more. No doubt, they benefit from Mother’s Day. If you research Mother’s Day, it goes back to the Greek and Roman civilizations. It has deep roots for every living creature as it is a celebration of being born, being given the gift of life and making a connection to life. It’s worth not only remembering but celebrating. What get’s celebrated, gets repeated!

Dorothy Day, journalist and activist, wrote about the spiritual transformation upon giving birth to her first child. “No human creature could receive or contain so vast a flood of love and joy as I often felt after the birth of my child. With this came the need to worship, to adore.” Blest be the tie that binds!

As a child grows, a mother-child relationship evolves through several roles. First role is nurse. This role is about care and feeding including taken care of the soiled diapers! Queen is the second role (along with a father who is King.) Our home, our rules and you will abide. This role evolves into Coach, standing on the sidelines and offering advice as well as encouragement. The final role is Friend, a confidant who knows your imperfections and loves you just the way you are! All roles are transforming. All roles are founded on unconditional love. Every role validates the relationship and reminds each of the purpose of life, to be of significance.

I believe motherhood is one of those epic events defining required responsibility morphing into desired responsibility for both the mother and for the child. Hopefully from this forge, we learn what it means to be in relationship with others. It nurtures the spiritual wisdom deep within. The lessons of intimate community lead us to greater communities grounded in love. What a gift?!

It’s not too late to remember your mother. And if you still think its a lot of hype, consider the Platinum Rule: Treat others the way they wish to be treated. It’s not too late to celebrate a relationship that launched you into life. A text does not work. An email is one notch above text. A phone call is a start. A written letter, note or card is much better. Face-to-face is best. And don’t just wait for Mother’s Day, find other days to celebrate your primary collaborator in your creation!

Do You Lead Negatively?

A powerful tool in executive coaching is the 360 assessment. Anonymous feedback from the leader's direct reports as well as others who work with the leader are powerful conversation starters.

Here are a few anonymous comments from past assessments in my files that raise red flags.

- She points the way, but doesn’t support her followers.
- He only knows how to make demands. He doesn’t know how to express faith in people. 
- She leads by fear.
- Weak on encouragement. Very judgmental.
- Always needs to be in control. Lacks confidence in the people she manages
- Comes to meetings with is his mind made up.

There seem to be three major categories for "negative leadership."

The Power personality: Always with the team and always in control.
- Demands respect, tyrant, inflexible, restrictive, perfectionist
- Rule oriented rather than people oriented, command and control, her way or no way
- Loves and recruits “yes-men” and keeps them close at hand
- Low self-esteem and low in confidence, roadblocks to connecting with others
- Workaholic and expects others to do the same
Team outcome: tired, uncreative, low morale

The Flash personality: The “helicopter” leader drops in to check on the team.
- Swoops in to make suggestions, leads with assumptions, laissez-faire
- Doesn’t listen to ideas suggestions or take questions (or limits questions)
- Behaves differently in front of superiors
Team outcome: instability, poor productivity, team members don’t see a future

The Ego personality: There is an “I” in team and its me!
- Has all the answers, needs to be right, Teflon coated so if there is a problem it’s not his fault
- Insincere, exploitative, arrogant, narcissistic
- Shows favoritism, may lack integrity
- Emotional insecurity, lack of conscience
Team outcome: distrust, tension and stress, team members make sure their butts are covered!

All three of these types have a bad reputation. I am not sure any of these negative leaders are coach-able. They are candidates for counseling because there are deeper issues involved. Counseling will only work if they acknowledge their bad leadership and want to change.

Ideally, these “leaders” need to realize they lead and act poorly. They need to learn to dial back and become adaptable. Overcoming negative leadership requires taking the hit and also giving credit where credit is due. Most of all, they must learn to think of others, use emotional intelligence and practice the Golden Rule. 

The man who stops by the negative leader’s office to dust and empty the trash, he is part of the team and should be treated with kindness, courtesy and compassion. Take time to get to know him. He may hold a great idea that creates a positive bottom line! 

If you were have those who report to you and those you work with fill out a 360 assessment on you, what do you think the feedback would say? 

Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

Sheena Iyengar, Columbia Business School professor and author of The Art of Choosing, conducted the famous “Jam Study." Grocery-store shoppers who were offered a coupon for one of six different jams were more likely to buy a jar than if they were offered a coupon good for one of 17 jams. "People are more attracted to a lot of choice," Iyengar said, "but when it comes to making a choice, they are more likely to [actually] if they have fewer options [rather] than more." Her research seems to offer evidence, more is less! Her research put talk radio’s Rush Limbaugh on a tirade that this was un-American, anti-freedom! Even though we may not care to hear it, truth is reality. It took the Catholic church until 1993 to accept Galileo's work!

With the holiday season coming, the gadget catalogs have been filling my mailbox. They are filled with “James Bondesk” items for daily living. Toys for boys! Comfort for girls! iPhone add-ons! Time suckers! Healthier health choices going way beyond Obamacare!

What caught my attention were the wrist watch time pieces! They go way beyond the mainstream Timex and Rolex watches! Are we bored with time and the way we track time! There was a watch made of sandalwood. Scented time! The Circular LED watch tracks time with light. HighLIGHTED time! The Triarch LED watch displays time in geometry. Time with a new angle! Want your watch to truly tell you the time? A male voice distinctly tells you the time when its inconvenient for you to look. Time has a voice. The Verticular watch reminds one of the elevator tracker panel on the first floor of a high rise. Time going up or time coming down? How about a genuine Navy Seal watch! (Reminder of the time the Seals got Bin Laden.) Got a case of OCD? The “Always Accurate Watch” continuously calibrates its time with the U.S. Atomic Clock, at Ft. Collins, CO. Serious time. The world’s thinnest calendar watch merges German engineering with Swiss watchmaking. Time meets diversity! The faceless watch has hidden LED’s in the watch band. Time to be discreet?

What I find interesting and perhaps troubling in these catalogs is that none of these watches are shown on the wrist of a human being. Where is the human touch, the human contact, the human interaction? Another observation, all of these watches are for men! Is time keeping a man-thing? Is keeping time masculine or macho? What is the message the wearer is sending to others? Are these watches cryptic symbols for the need for better time management? 

What time piece would you choose or could you choose?! Why? Where are you spending your time these days? Are you spending too much time trying to make up your mind?

    Does anybody really know what time it is?
    Does anybody really care?
    If so I can't imagine why.
    We've all got time enough to die.
                      Robert Lamm,
                      Chicago, 
                      Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?

Dear Brett,

11/7/12

Dear Brett,

I did not sleep well last night after your news that Marines denied you to join them. You did nothing wrong. They came to a “moment-of-truth” and asked for a complete confession of past transgressions. You were honest and forthright, the highest quality of character and of which this world is short on. You shared that you had taken a friend's prescription pain-killer a couple of years ago for a headache when visiting because he had no over-the-counter pain reliever. Unfortunately, policy trumped common-sense and wisdom and the Marines denied you the ability to serve.

Unfortunately, the Marines taught you a bad lesson. Don’t tell the truth, because you will be punished. They put a kink in trust not only in being a Marine but in serving this country.

I wish I could have taken this “bullet” for you. I wish that I could have spared you the pain. I have felt your pain and know how gut wrenching it is. I remember being told by a woman I loved that she no longer loved me. It turned my world upside down. I felt all my hopes and dreams were broken into a million pieces. I felt unworthy. I felt embarrassed. I felt shame.

Fortunately, there were people who believed in me, who loved me, who assured me that a new day would come. It took time. It took patience. It took work. The wound healed. I believed I was good enough to love and be loved. You are an outcome of that healing.

I know you. I know your heart. I know when you believe, you make things happen. I saw that back when you were in the grade school when you decided you wanted to be the lead in the 5th grade musical. You persevered and succeeded. I saw it on the soccer field when you wanted to be the starting goal keeper. You persevered and not only got the starting position but became captain of the team. I saw it when you wanted to go to a division I college to play soccer and realized it did not meet your expectations and chose a different course. You persevered and graduated from college.

As low as you are, you have a history of overcoming adversity. Your expectations have been altered by someone else, but it does not mean you cannot pursue your goal.

I believe in you. You are one of my role-models. You are an inspiration to me and others. You are loved and you have a gift to share to make this world a better place. Do not let someone deter you from making that difference.

I love you.

Now go Carrpe Diem!

Dad

I'm Blue...

Today it all comes to a screeching halt. Our nation will try to select a president. It does not look good. No matter who wins, a large number of people will not be happy.

We've justified who should be president as well as who should not be president. Over Six Billion Dollars has been spent on justification. I have buyers remorse. I'm blue. I threw some money into a campaign and wish I'd thrown it into the Red Cross basket for victims of Sandy.

I'm blue. It has become increasingly evident that policy and ideology have trumped the ability for civil conversation. If someone doesn't believe in our "brand" of religion, our "brand" of politics, our "brand" of sexual orientation, our "brand" of race and heritage we label "them" as sub-human, retards, idiots, neanderthals or any other name that demonstrates superiority over "them." It's as if some have a monopoly on the truth, the facts, the RIGHT WAY and the light. 

You know the facts of life. Life is ambiguous and the longer we live the more it becomes evident. Life is hard and the longer we live, the more evident it becomes for the need to simplify. Life is grace and the longer we live we might recognize how truly blessed we are!

I realize this is a generalization, but I find people tend to fall into three categories:
- The cynics. The cynics tend to be older, wounded, have unfilled expectations, feel cheated, and do not trust people, systems and process. They are see a fresh bouquet of flowers and ask, "Who died?" I'm blue around cynics. It's tough to have a civil conversation with cynics.
- The entitled. The entitled believe they deserve. They give "this" and deserve "that." They payed their dues and expect a return. It's about going up, never sideways or God forbid, downward. Their motto, "You owe me!" I'm blue around the entitled. When I'm around the entitled, I wonder if I'm square with them. Civil conversation might be possible with the entitled until you step on one of their entitlements!
- The humble. The humble are the few. They have no score to settle and no scorecard to keep. Everyday is a gift. They serve where they are needed. They give without expecting anything in return. They take responsibility and step up as needed. They have balance in their lives. They are selfless. They are spiritual. They laugh often. They are a blessing to be around and to work with. Civil conversations are the norm with the humble!


Two key questions that have come up in this campaign that continue to rattle around in my brain:
- Are you better off than you were four years ago?
- Don't you deserve...?

I'm blue. The cynics and entitled, who seem to be the majority, see themselves as not being better off and deserving more. 

I'm looking for more humble! Are you out there? Would you like to have a civil conversation?