To The Graduating Class of 2016: Who Are You?

     Kenyon College Class of 2005 graduates.

Congratulations to the Class of 2016! You've made it ... to what, I'm not sure, but you've hit a milestone in your life. That is something to celebrate! And while celebrating, let the words of John Dewey sink in, "Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself."

This is an interesting year to graduate. We are in the heat of presidential election primaries. Tough job leading this country, but somebody has to do it! Even if you don't like the choices, are you involved in helping this country grow and become a better nation? Will you vote? Greater question: will you give back to our country?

The December 2015 Washington Post reported, nearly half of millennials polled in a recent Harvard survey said they support the use of ground troops against the Islamic State after the Paris attacks, but 85% of those same people said they would not join the military. I am not saying you need to join the military, but what about serving through other means? Time Magazine published an article in September 2008 by Senators Kennedy and Hatch, 21 Ways To Serve America. This article will give you ideas on how to serve and give back to our country. This is an act of paying it forward.

Do you share? If so, what is your evidence? Frank Trenttmann, Empire of Things: How We Became a World of Consumers ... writes, "The urge to acquire material goods is so embedded in human nature, we may have trouble taming it even if we recognize the environmental threat it poses to the planet."  Yet, the "sharing economy" is in full swing with Uber and Airbnb leading the way. But beyond making money sharing, are you "sharing" your resources, gifts, time and money with those less fortunate, the underserved? Are you sharing with those who are in need? Hoarding seems to be a way of life in America as well as in the world. We now have over 10 square feet of rental storage space for each 318 plus million Americans. The average American garage no longer has room for cars as it is loaded with "stuff."  The recent Panama Papers scandal revealed the worst kind of hoarding - a compulsion to amass large sums of money. Excess means never having enough! Consider the truth of one of my favorite bumper stickers ...

Here is a sad truth. If you own something including money and cannot share it or part with it, you don't own it, it owns you.  Sharing means building longer tables rather than higher walls. As Sir Issac Newton pointed out back in his day, "Men build too many walls and not enough bridges." Will you be a wall builder or a bridge builder?

Are you relational? Millennials have an obsession with the '90s sitcom, Friends. Over 16 million people watch Friends 236 episode reruns weekly! The appeal seems to be caught up in a line from the pilot, "Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it." Friends came during a time of little conflict, no social media, no texting. It was optimistic. Friends fills the void of being there for one another. While you may long to get back to the timeline of Friends, what is stopping you from living like the characters on Friends right now? 

When you are with others, are you fully present and mindful? Are you paying attention to being fully present? Can you put down your smart phone and be there in the presence of others, making eye contact and giving them the gift of your time?

Speaking of relational, are you diverse and inclusive? Quick check of your Facebook page will give you the answer. Do your Facebook friends look like you, think like you, act like you, eat the same foods as you and have the same beliefs as you? Having diverse relationships makes for a smaller world, reduces ignorance and enhances one's life and experiences. 

Are you revengeful? President Obama's 2008 election theme was hope. The theme of this election cycle is revenge, getting even. We are an angry nation, and we are out to get even. Revenge is the fuel of the growth in lawsuits and a rainmaker for lawyers. Will you contribute to revenge or will you "seek to understand before being understood?"

Here is another election issue; politics are ruining relationships. The ugliness displayed toward others who support a candidate different from ours is reaching hurtful and unhealthy proportions. Politics like marriage is founded on compromise, listening to another point of view without taking it personally or finding it offensive. Do not let your opinion, belief or ideology get in the way of your ability of being a critical thinker. 

 
Are you a critical thinker? If so, what is your evidence? This is another favored and thought provoking bumper sticker for your consideration.

Critical thinking means not believing everything you think or ideology you subscribe. Critical thinking requires courage, perseverance, release, patience and curiosity. It means getting out of your comfort zone, challenging assumptions and being non-judgmental. Critical thinking means asking questions. Critical thinking requires you to stand in someone else's shoes and see an idea, an opinion, a belief from another point of view. Critical thinking means checking facts and being steadfast in asking "What if ...?" and "Tell me more!" Critical thinking means checking your fear. The problem with critical thinking is it may lead to changing your mind, it may make you flip-flop because you become better informed. 

I hear people say, "America was founded as a Christian nation." How might critical thinking help to learn if that statement is true? Who says America is a Christian nation? Can you find evidence our forefathers sought to make this a Christian nation? Google what Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Thomas Paine and James Madison said and wrote about religion and government. Our country was founded on religious liberty that includes those who do not believe in God. By the way, "In God We Trust" did not appear on U.S. Currency until 1956!

North Carolina passed HB2 requiring people use bathrooms that match their biological sex. The rush to pass this bill failed at critical thinking. The law discriminates against LGBT. Do you know what a transsexual is? Do you know a transsexual? First, transsexuals  are fully human. Second, they are "wired" differently from those who who do not identify with this "wiring." Those who support HB2, say the world has gone crazy. I say those who support HB2 have gone ignorant, fearful and uncompassionate. If you fall into this void, get out of your comfort zone and meet LGBT. Discover who they are and seek to understand their "wiring." Ask them if they chose to be "wired" that way.

Critical thinking will over come a huge problem of fearing or hating someone with whom you disagree including their lifestyle. Critical thinking will keep you from compromising your convictions in order to love your neighbor.

Do you have grit? According to Angela Duckworth, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perserverance, grit matters more than talent. Grit takes a "no" as a delayed "YES." To get to "YES!" requires perserverance, made up of willpower, resilience, self-control and tennacity. I saw grit in my father leaving the corporate ladder to go into business for himself. My son, a US Marine had grit to enlist, endure MCRD and serve. Are you a quart low on grit? Duckwork believes you can learn to grow your grit!

Are you in debt? Many of you are graduating college with big student loan debt. Some of you will be making repayments on these loans that rival mortgage payments. You are leaving college financially frail and living on the financial edge. You inherited another layer of stress. Neal Gabler wrote The Secret Shame of the Middle Class May 2016 of The Atlantic magazine; "Financial impotence is an equal-opportunity malady, striking across every demographic divide. If you ask economists to explain this state of affairs, they are likely to finger credit-card debt as a main culprit. A good many Americans are “financially illiterate,” and this illiteracy correlates highly with financial distress." The only way out of this debt is to become "financially literate," to focus on your accountability and commitment, and to put your needs before your wants. If you didn't learn self-discipline in college, learn it now. 

Speaking of self-discipline, are you overweight? Did you ever shed your "Freshman 15?" Global obesity is an epidemic. Obesity is a complex disease. It contributes to cardiovascular disease, diabetes, sleeping disorders, joint issues and a reduced quality of life for yourself, your loved ones as well as your friends and cohorts. The obesity heathcare cost to our nation could be as high as $210 billion per year. Obesity impacts employers at an estimated $506 per obese worker per year. Do yourself a favor, get healthy! It will benefit you as well as others.

Are you unique? You no doubt have made friends in college. Some of them have charted their next steps and have a job awaiting them or plan to pursue their next level of education. Are you comparing your life with them? If you are, you failed to recognize your unique gifts, talents and passions. You either have not discovered them and or you've  taken your eye off them. Focus on you. Compete with yourself.

 
Are you grateful? Have you taken time to handwrite and snail mail your gratitude to all of those who have made this day possible? First, your parents who were your first teachers. Second, other family members and friends who had a role in making this day possible. Finally, a handwritten note to those teachers and professors who inspired you to complete your work and receive your diploma. The gift of your expressed gratitude will be appreciated beyond your ever knowing. Your handwritten notes will fire endorphins leading to a runner's high!

Are you happy? Graduation day should be one of the happiest days of your life! Raj Raghunathan, author of If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Happy found in his research on happiness that being better educated, richer, or more accomplished doesn’t do much to predict whether someone will be happy. In fact, it might mean someone is less likely to be satisfied with life! MHS's Emotional Intelligence instrument, the EQ360, gages one's well-being or happiness factor through four lenses: believing in oneself and living according to one's values; one's level of optimism and hope; self-actualization including knowing the legacy one wishes to leave; and strong interpersonal relationships. Personally, I've found the happiest people I know live less complicated lives. They don't compare themselves to others and have an abundance of compassion for others. They have high expectations of themselves but realistic and fair expectations of others. The happiest people know for what they stand and have a sense of purpose. They are mindful and live in the moment as much as possible. The happiest people I know continuously practice gratitude. Finally, the happiest people I know remember their joy and re-experience this state of being regularly, especially when in pain.

Personally, my joy is recalling my sailing adventures, the first time I held my newborn children, every time I hear "I love you" from my wife and son, seeing LYSYATOY from my daughter in her emails to me, creating and wearing our wedding bands, attending our son's Marine MCRD graduation, dining in our daughter's restaurant, designing and getting my tattoos. Pure joy is attending monthly Final Friday gatherings with neighbors. Remember and recall your joys often. 

The best commencement speech I have ever heard (and did not realize it until later!) was David Foster Wallace's commencement speech to the Kenyon College class of 2005. Wallace's speech was not uplifting but it was full of wisdom and a suggestion to look in the mirror and confront one's truth. Wallace's challenge to the graduating class - attention to the "water" that surrounds you:

“And I submit that this is what the real, no-bullshit value of your liberal arts education is supposed to be about: how to keep from going through your comfortable, prosperous, respectable adult life dead, unconscious, a slave to your head and to your natural default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone day in and day out.” 
                                                   - David Foster Wallace

This speech four years later morphed into This Is Water, a book and a video. It's a recommend watch, that I go back to periodically to challenge my thinking.

So, who are you? I'll leave you with what I know for sure. At this moment you are valuing achievement and success. Forty years from now, you will value impact and relationships with others and your health. Put on your dancing shoes and live without hesitation or procrastination. Promote you. Even if you don't have a business card, make a good quality one, always have them with you and hand them out like popcorn! Find, don't wait to be found. Ask for help and advice. Find a mentor who has "been there, done that and got the t-shirt." Get out of your comfort zone. Take some risks. Nurture your grit. Embrace mistakes as learning lessons, not as setbacks or shame. And never, ever stop learning!

Do You Know The Difference Between Bacon and Eggs?

What would you do? You have agreed to work with a non-profit organization pro bono on October 4th. A couple of weeks later, a well paying client has called and asked you to facilitate a workshop on October 4th. Work for free or get paid well for your time? What would you do?

When I was in college, our housing unit held an annual Rose Dance. Every young woman who was invited to the dance received a rose with her invitation and then a dozen roses at the dance. It was a black tie affair complete with a nice sit-down-dinner and dancing with a live band. I invited a young woman eight weeks before the dance. About two weeks before the dance she called and asked if I could find someone else to take to the Rose Dance because she had gotten an invitation to attend the Kentucky Derby. What would you do?

I was disappointed and decided it was too late to ask another date. A couple of weeks later I ran into her. She mentioned she was disappointed I hadn't called her for a date. I recognized she was like the chicken in the plate of bacon and eggs - involved but not committed. The situation re-taught me the value of the Golden Rule. I promised myself I would not do that to someone else.

The first scenario, work with the non-profit pro bono or cancel with the non-profit and get paid by a client, was a situation I was faced with a couple of years ago. I kept my promise to work with the non-profit group. 

I was like the pig on the plate of bacon and eggs - I was committed! It's not enough to say you have integrity until you actually walk-your-talk.

Our actions always speak louder than our words and our promises. People forget our words and promises, but always remember our actions. It becomes our character and reputation.

Here is what I know for sure. When you act with integrity, positive things happen. It turned out a participant at that non-profit retreat liked my work and hired and paid me to facilitate a retreat for her business! 

Unfortunately, we are wired to live in the short-run, get what you can at the moment in hand. Integrity gives you self-discipline and self-control to live for the long-run. 

Integrity is not one and done. It's a way of being that continues to be challenged on a daily basis. Having integrity is one thing, continuously living integrity is another. Integrity is the Golden Rule.

Choose to be a pig on the plate of bacon and eggs! 

  

 

What Every Man Should Have and Know

A MAN SHOULD HAVE
Six month’s wages in savings in case he loses his job or needs time to make a career change.

He should have a classic tailored navy blue blazer, a pair of grey wool slacks, and pinpoint cotton powder blue shirt with an iconic repp tie. He should know how to use an iron.

A MAN SHOULD HAVE
A youth that gave a black eye, bloody knees and a scar that has a story. He should have learned to have gotten out of his comfort zone and taken a dare or two.

A MAN SHOULD HAVE
A small pocket knife, a crisp business card even if he is looking for a new job, a good joke that makes everyone laugh, a firm handshake, and story about his mother or grandmother others would enjoy hearing.

He should have at least two or three male friends with whom he can be vulnerable and be able to talk about things other than sports, politics and the weather. He should acknowledge the importance of the soul and his relationship with the spiritual.

A MAN SHOULD HAVE
The ability to chop wood and start a fire. He should be able to grill a good medium rare ribeye and produce tender salmon. Roasted grilled vegetables are a plus.

EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW
How to listen to a woman and not try to fix her or solve her problems. Just be there for her. He should practice the gift of holding hands especially at the movies and hug without expecting it to lead to sex.

He should clean the sink after he uses it. Clean the toilet and hang up his towel after a shower. Vacuuming and dusting are not woman’s work. Its just what needs to be done as well changing the sheets on the bed once a week.

EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW
That he will lose his hair or his hair will turn grey and be okay with it. It’s a sign of marinating with life. He has a responsibility to take care of himself and avoid a beer belly. His father may never had said, “I love you,” but that doesn’t mean he should carry that tradition on with his son.

EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW
His strengths and weaknesses and be good with that. He should be more interested in others than trying to be interesting or try to one-up someone else's story. He should apologize when he is wrong and take criticism as an opportunity to learn, not as a threat.

EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW
That bad times don’t last forever and neither do the good times. It’s called life. While it’s good to have a plan, life will mess with plans. Plan anyway and be prepared to change.

EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW
It’s more important to be be significant than successful. When he is gone, he will be remembered for the difference he made in people’s lives than for the title he had or the car he drove. Practice leaving people and places better than you found them.

EVERY MAN SHOULD KNOW
That there is no security only opportunity. Live into the opportunity.

This blog post is dedicated to group of guys who continue to help me to learn what I should have and should know.

What if Your Organization Changed Customer Service to Enlightened Hospitality?

Dessert, Gramercy Tavern, October 2015

Danny Meyer, the prominent New York City restauranteur, first came to my attention when my daughter was at the Culinary Institute of America. She was so moved by Meyer and his philosophy, she sought to do her externship at Eleven Madison Park (EMP). Her experience at EMP had a huge impact on her. I saw first hand how Meyer's way of running restaurants attracted great staff and moved them to create great experiences for their guests. I wanted to understand Meyer's way of running his business as well as his leadership style reading Meyer's Setting the Table... 

Meyer shares stories from growing up to birthing his first restaurant (Union Square Cafe, New York City) to lessons learned in opening other restaurants now part of the Union Square Hospitality Group (USHG). He shares his adventures, mistakes and most of all, his vulnerability. Meyer touches the reader’s soul by sharing his soul. Meyer is different in a positively healthy, nurturing good way. If you are looking for a winning business philosophy, here it is!

For example, he treats solo guests as royalty rather than a problem as some other restaurants do. To him, the solo guest is paying his restaurant a compliment. He sees a positive attitude and attention to the solo guest as an investment in a long-term relationship. This is the key message of Setting the Table …create and nurture relationships, both internally and externally. Having won multiple awards and stars from Zagat, James Beard, The New York Times, Wine Spectator, and Michelin for his eleven restaurants as of this writing, his way of doing business has paid off.

Meyer has moved the bar from customer service to enlightened hospitality. He doesn’t call patrons of his restaurants customers, but guests. A whole different set of images and feelings come from being called a guest rather than a customer. Staff are referred to as hospitalitarians! This is not the typical “how to create and run a business” book. The reader comes across words like soul, goodwill, abundance, graciousness, elegance and art form. Setting the Table is on par with books, Be Our Guest: Perfecting the Art of Customer Service by The Disney Institute and Theodore Kinni and Fish: A Proven Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results by Lundin, Paul and Christensen (Pike Place Fish Market, Seattle, WA.) The only disagreement I have with Meyer, and I know he means well, is when he calls hospitality a team sport (page 16). In sport there are winners and losers. In hospitality, there are no losers.

Enlightened hospitality asks the question, “Whoever wrote the rule…?” Enlightened hospitality is context and context is everything, according to Meyer. Enlightened hospitality lives by one size fits one! Enlightened hospitality nurtures and touches all parts of USHG including its nonnegotiable core values, goal setting, management philosophy, hiring and training hospitalitarians, the way it treats hospitalitarians who affect guests who affect community who affect suppliers and finally investors. Look at our attitude toward the financial industry, who put investors first! Enlightened hospitality speaks to handling mistakes and failures!

Meyer has made an art of correcting mistakes with guests in what he terms, “always write a great last chapter.” He and USHG not only own a mistake, even an unintentional one, but respond as quickly as possible with grace and add a heaping dose of generosity! That great last chapter approach creates guests for life! For-profit and non-profit businesses would do well to learn and embrace this behavior!

Could Setting the Table change your organization?
Notice the picture of the salt shaker on the front cover

of the book? There is a story behind the salt shaker. You need to know your “center,” your core values and principles. It’s the job of staff and guests to move your salt shaker off center. Your job is not to get upset, but to move the salt shaker back to center. Center is what you stand for and what you won’t stand for. Do not let others decide where your center is. Perhaps if Kodak, Blockbuster and Blackberry had known, understood and lived their core values and purpose, they would be vibrant businesses today.

“The 51 Percent Solution” is about emotional intelligence and it's importance in finding it in the hiring of people for USHG. Meyer points out technical performance of the hospitalitarian is 49 percent and emotional performance is 51 percent. “The only way a company can grow, stay true to its soul and remain constantly successful is to attract, hire and keep great people.” page 139. Hire people who have the 51 percent. Those who possess the 51 percent are agents who make good things happen for others. People with the 51 percent are aware of “golden moments” that offer the opportunity to “WOW” the guest. Choose people with a great attitude and weak skills over people with a poor attitude and great skills. Attitude is the convergence of strong emotional intelligence, living the Golden Rule and gratitude. While skills can be taught and learned, not so with attitude. Let’s face it, people with the 51 percent make management’s job much easier and rewarding. It’s a game changer!

Bottom line
If service is the right thing to do, then hospitality is the compassionate thing to do. What would happen to morale, turnover, productivity and the bottom line, if your organization moved from offering good customer service to gracious hospitality?