Does What You Have Own You or Do You Own It?

The second greatest commandment of the Christian faith is “‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’” Matthew 22: 37-40 (MSG)

I have always found this as THE MOST CHALLENGING COMMANDMENT because at the heart of this commandment, I have to look in the mirror and ask, “How much do I love this imperfect, scared, flawed, hurtful person so I can truly love others?” Can I love this person who at times seems unlovable? Can I own this who seems unworthy or does my greed, selfishness, pride and fear own me?

Hard to believe that what I see in the mirror, God says is worthy! I am like the father who asked Jesus to heal his sick child. Jesus asked the father if he believed? The father replied, “I believe. Help my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 (MSG)

To add to this challenge, Jesus turned it up another notch. “Love one another the way I loved you. This is the very best way to love. Put your life on the line for your friends.” John 15:13 (MSG)

I’m always looking for role models. I visited one this past weekend. My cousin, Jim, was in need of a kidney transplant. His oldest daughter, Carrie, didn’t hesitate to find out if she could give her father one of her healthy kidneys. They were a match! Here is a living example: Her body didn’t own her, but she owned her body. Not only was pride and selfishness ignored, but fear was looked in the eye and love won! Some call it grace, others call it an act of the Holy Spirit. No matter what you call it, it was the love Jesus spoke of in John 15:13.

There is some incredible support to enable this act of love. There is the love of Carrie’s mother for her father and for her. There is the love of family and friends for them. There is the love of the doctors and caregivers. Love connects! Love heals. Love wins! As I write this,  both father and daughter are healing! Their healing heals my doubt!

Can you love yourself to to break the chains of selfishness, greed and fear to give your life to another? I believe. Help my unbelief.

I'm No 'Wiser'!

The article, 'Forget Myers-Briggs: To Build a Great Team, Focus on Something Called 'Factor C,' showed up in my LinkedIn email. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/forget-myers-briggs-build-great-team-focus-factor-c-cass-sunstein
 
This excerpt comes from authors Sunstein and Hastie, Wiser: Getting Beyond Groupthink to Make Groups Smarter. Turns out they mention Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) on pages 205-207 of their book. I am not sure why! "A lot of companies take the test (MBTI) seriously." From my experience, if you take MBTI, DiSC or any other numerous assessments seriously, a be-all-to-end-all, you are leaning towards absolute certainty and problems. MBTI and other assessments are a starting point for better understanding.

The MBTI was never meant a be-all-to-end-all or to pigeon-hole people, but an aid to celebrate another aspect of diversity - personality - to better understand and self-manage oneself especially in problem-solving, communication and conflict resolution.

One thing that was drilled into me when I got qualified for MBTI; NEVER USE MBTI FOR HIRING AND PLACEMENT! This article seems to make the assumption that MBTI can be and is used for this. "By some reports, almost 90 percent of the major US companies use the Myers-Briggs test for employee selection, placement, or counseling." I know professionals who use MBTI for counseling.


I use MBTI with individuals, co-workers in conflict, new teams or re-organized teams for insight and understanding. (I recently facilitated an MBTI workshop for a team. They have a new leader and two new team members. I used two reports from Consulting Psychology Press - Interpretive Report and Team Report to help them understand how the 'team' preferred to solve problems, communicate and deal with conflict versus how they individually preferred to tackle these challenges. They had several AHA moments!) MBTI exposes the diversity of personality within groups, teams and communities. That is good and needed! 

The article emphasizes MBTI is used to predict behavior. I disagree. I tell participants in MBTI workshops that as an ENTJ, I am just like all other ENTJs except that I'm a little bit different from other ENTJs and actually all ENTJ's are different from all other ENTJs! MBTI is merely a starting point to understand how one's preferences affect behavior.

According to the article, 'Factor C' is the collective IQ of team members. They sight a recent study that this seems to indicate 'Factor C' enables predictability. We seem to be wired to need predictability. Look at how much we pay attention to the weatherperson, yet we know how unpredictable the weather can be! We crave certainty and knowing what is coming around the next bend. All of life is full of volatility, uncertainty, chaos, complexity and ambiguity. Learn to deal with it!

From my experience, emotional intelligence (EQ), trumps IQ. You can Google EQ versus IQ to come to your own conclusions. Personally, I'd rather be a part of strong EQ team than a high IQ team. EQ is about significance - people and legacy rather than success - things and rewards. EQ impacts diversity as a strategic initiative more than IQ.

I see this over and over when I use tools with groups, teams and communities like Joel Barker's Implication Wheel, Edward DeBono's Six Thinking Hats or Harrison Owen's Open Space Technology. While IQ is a factor in the outcomes of using these tools, it is EQ that creates flow and synergy. MBTI helps with EQ and has no connection to IQ.

My recommendation: Continuously work at being relational. Stay curious rather than judgmental. No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

Have you played Cards Against Humanity (CAH)?

I recently played Cards Against Humanity (CAH) for the first time. I have to admit, I laughed to tears.

People liken CAH to the game Apples to Apples… for horrible people! It is the number one best seller at Amazon in the toys and games category. (As I write this, this is the only source you can purchase the game.) CAH came out in 2011. It has repeatedly sold out.

Having played the game has lead me to talk with others about their experience as well as do some personal research.

CAH is problematic and satirical. If you’ve not played it, be prepared for awkwardness. (I’d suggest you know those with whom you are sharing CAH well!)

CAH is a metaphor for the times we live in. Living without really thinking, without really reflecting on not only what is important but who this game touches. IMHO, the game lacks soul and grace. It reflects our media, social media, and the ugly, dark side of humanity including our continuing desensitivity towards shock value.

This game is an equal opportunity offender. This game rails against political correctness. It is a huge, ‘your mother raised you to be better than this.’

“I think the game perpetuates a pretty nasty culture: ‘Hey, look how enlightened I am because I'm beyond race/religion and can make nasty jokes about it!’” said Adrienne Ciskey, a game designer. “It comes across as a game for overly privileged hipsters who believe they are entitled to this lifestyle where everyone worships them to feel ‘in’ on the joke.”

I do believe CAH has the potential to start some much needed serious dialogue among people. It challenges humor, prejudice and our continuing inability to live the Golden Rule. I believe the game has the potential to challenge our confirmation bias*  - our minds default mode to attend selectively to information that supports already existing beliefs, and to discount information that goes against our beliefs.

If you are willing to have a ‘face-in-the-mirror’ moment to explore your bias, known and unknown, check out the Implicit Project at https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html The website offers a whole series of tests to examine bias, diversity and inclusion.

Got bias? Game on!

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias

Got a New Year’s Resolution?

I began the 2014 New Year without a resolution but with a focus on a single word. The word I selected, or I believe selected me, was gratitude.  I began researching gratitude and its power. I've watched Louie Schwartzberg’s YouTube video on gratitude at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nj2ofrX7jAk  many times. Each time I've come away with a new revelation on gratitude through his camera lens. (Schwartzberg also has TED Talk on gratitude at http://www.ted.com/talks/louie_schwartzberg_nature_beauty_gratitude.)

I’d begin my morning with a meditation on gratitude. Here are a couple of my gratitude meditations in green from this past year.

I am grateful for speed bumps, toll gates and radar signs that tell me how fast I am going. They require me to slow down, to look around, to be mindful. It’s a gift rather than a problem!

I made some huge discoveries about gratitude and its power this past year. I came to believe gratitude may be the “secret sauce” to being significant rather than successful, the key to exemplary leadership and living a good life. I was grateful to find a book by Ira Byock, M.D., The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living. Byock suggests there are four conversations we need to have with the key people in our lives including the conversation of gratitude for them and the impact they have had and continue to have upon our lives.
 
I am grateful for balloons, those thin membranes that trap air or helium. Balloons are like me - fragile, stretched, spontaneous, colorful, yet sagging over time. Some balloons are big and strong enough to lift people. Some balloons, like rafts, carry people down rivers. I am grateful for their gift as well as the distraction! 

 In rereading psychologist Dr. Timothy Miller’s How to Want What You Have: Discovering the Magic and Grandeur of Ordinary Existence, I rediscovered the three behaviors he tries to get his patients to lean into, including gratitude and the healing impact it can make on their lives. Developing a habit of gratitude this past year helped me learn more about myself, including how to connect my heart to emotions rather than to symptoms.
 
I am grateful for headaches. The dull ache in the front of my head and behind my eyes. I take my health for granted. A headache causes me to examine how it came to be and to determine what I might do in the future to prevent it. It’s a gift to focus and be present. A headache reminds me of those who are suffering and in a far worse state. I need to keep them in my prayers.

Here is what I learned about gratitude. To be grateful requires becoming mindful and fully present. It is not enough to think, “I am grateful for a nice home.” Gratitude requires curiosity and thinking about how, who, what, where and when it created this blossom in your life. Allowing your mind to focus on gratitude takes you back to the source and helps you explore the symphony of  possibilities to reach this moment. Gratitude requires slowing down and connecting your mind with your heart. Gratitude creates the AHA! moment when life intersects with opportunity. In that moment of truly being grateful, you become connected and vulnerable. Suddenly you recognize it's not about you, it’s about others. What about all those who have touched you to reach this moment? Humility kicks in. Groundedness takes place and vulnerability gets your attention. This thin place creates a feeling of really being alive.

I am grateful for rear view mirrors. “Objects may be closer than they appear”
…could be that unsettled business of asking for forgiveness.
…shame and guilt I’m carrying
…ignoring a poor lifestyle
The gift of a rear view mirror reminds me not to focus on the past, and to be present.

We all want to be happier.  David Steindl-Rast's TED Talk offers insight into the gratitude-happiness connection. Watch his Want to be happy? Be grateful! at http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful.

Even though I picked a new word to explore and to live into for 2015, I’m going to keep on living into gratitude!

I am grateful for a new year of new possibilities!

Do You Fear Ebola?

If you choose to listen to irrational, heartless, non-compassionate, non-expert pundits from politicians and talking heads, you might hear…

Christian radio broadcaster Rick Wiles, said, “Ebola may be the great attitude adjustment that I believe is coming," according to the Colorado Springs Gazette.

“Ebola could solve America's problems with atheism, homosexuality, sexual promiscuity, pornography and abortion," Wiles said on his Trunews program, according to the Colorado Independent.

Radio talk show host Michael Savage said, President Barack Obama wants to infect America with Ebola. "There is not a sane reason to take three- or four-thousand troops and send them into a hot Ebola zone without expecting at least one of them to come back with Ebola, unless you want to infect the nation with Ebola.”

Obama sent U.S. troops to West African nations with Ebola as part of an international effort to help eradicate -- not spread -- the disease.

Check out the comments from Rep. Phil Gringrey, former Republican Senator Scott Brown and Senator Rand Paul. Donald Trump apparently sees himself as as an expert in human behavior and disease transmission.

As of October 15, 2014, 5 Americans have gotten Ebola. None of them have died from Ebola and continue to be treated.

Approximately 8,900 people in Guinea, Liberia, Nigeria, Senegal and Sierra Leone have contracted Ebola. 4,400 have died from Ebola.

Here is what we need to fear… 

- Flu season is here. Did you get your flu shot? Flu is the seventh leading cause of death in the United States. Are you washing your hands after using the bathroom? I am appalled at the number of men I encounter in the men’s restroom who by-pass the sink after using toilets and urinals. 
- Nearly 80 million Americans are obese due to poor diets and lack of exercise leading to heart disease and diabetes. If you are overweight, you can choose to do something about this including cutting the burgers and fries and all the sugary “foods.” Check out this article in Salon on 5 Shocking Reasons Why Americans Are Getting Fatter.
- Wear your seat belt even if it is uncomfortable. Car accidents are the fifth leading cause of death.  
- Nearly 25% of our fellow Americans continue to smoke cigarettes, which is the leading cause of cancer and heart disease. If you smoke, you can choose to do something about this!
- 76,000 people will get the skin cancer, Melanoma, in 2014 due to a lack of using sunblock and using tanning beds. If you go outside, you can choose to use protection! 
- Nearly 90,000 deaths in the U.S. are alcohol related to binge drinking. And then there are deaths related to DUI! It’s a choice.
- We don’t currently have a U.S. Surgeon General because President Obama’s choice for U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, is being thwarted by conservative politicians who are supported by the N.R.A. Over 11,000 Americans will die this year from firearms. Seems Dr. Murthy sees guns as a serious health care issue.

My suggestions…

- Choose to get information from credible sources who know what they are talking about and are experts in their field. Choose to trust them over people like Donald Trump.
- Choose to get your priorities straight, including what you are doing to prevent heart disease, obesity and diabetes. Wear sunblock and seat belts. Find another way to have fun or ease your pain than binge drinking. If you own a gun, be incredibly, over-the-top, responsible.
- If you are of the Christian faith, really ask, “What would Jesus do?” Would He talk and act like Rick Wiles and some of the other non-compassionate, unjust and heartless people whose voices have gotten our attention? 

NOTE: In my original post, I quoted Ann Coulter making disparaging remarks about Ebola and immigrant children to Sean Hannity on August 6th. It turns out those remarks were untrue and written as "satire." See Bad Satire Today.

How Are You?

As a leadership coach and as a coaching relationship develops, I become a confidant. Secrets get revealed. As a coach, it's my duty to keep
confidentiality. Many times I learn that the struggle or the skill the client needs to deal with or improve upon is rooted in the secret revealed. Sometimes I can no longer be a coach and become a resource to guide the client to counseling.
  
     'The only reason I am staying at this job and in this
     unhappiness is because I am scared and can't
     give up health insurance. I am trapped.' 

Are you familiar with postsecret.com? It is one of the most visited blogs on the Internet. Every Sunday, PostSecret's Frank Warren, posts secrets people have sent him via postcards.
  
     'I give decaf to people who are rude to me.'
                                               (Starbucks barista)

Secrets range from sad, humorous, trivial, shocking to "me too!" I like to visit this blog because it reveals our humanness, vulnerability, and connectedness. Secrets may reveal frailty as well as courage. Reading PostSecrets also draws upon my compassion. It is a reminder to check my judgment and assume positive intent with all I meet.

     'I have cancer and no one knows.'

We all have secrets. Our secrets, like our pain, like our grief, are our commonality. Secrets may be part of the baggage we carry on the journey called life.

     'My daughter thinks my husband is her father.'

My secret is not your secret, but it may be similar.
  
     'I am afraid to die.'

Secrets don't make us less human, less worthy, but they do create barriers, and they do create unnecessary fear.  Secrets are fueled by fear. Just ask yourself, "Why am I keeping this a secret?"
  
     'I don't care about giving up my addiction.'

Lies are secrets. Secrets close doors and build walls. Secrets generate worry and hurt productivity. Secrets may block reality as well as become our reality, our truth.

     'My boss is an asshole. He and this company do
     not get my best work. Furthermore, if I screw up
     a customer's order, I don't care.'

Secrets can be dangerous. Secrets become stories ... first the stories we tell ourselves and believe and then the stories we tell others.

     'I am married to woman to show others I am not gay.'

Secrets can build bridges. If I reveal my secret, I share my vulnerability. I model the way for courage. If I share my vulnerability I build a bridge for community. Community is that sacred place we all long to be a part and need.
  
     'I am afraid to say "I love you." The last time I told
     someone that I loved them, he left me.'

Robin Williams had a secret. Perhaps the silver lining in William's death is the danger of keeping a secret and that we need to reveal our secret in order to save our lives. Perhaps by revealing our secret, we will reduce our stress, anxiety and live authentically. So ask yourself...

     Does my secret torment me? 
     Is my secret another channel for denial?
     If I continue to keep my secret, how will I feel? How will I
     live?
     If I reveal my secret, how will I feel? Could I be relieved?
     Could I be free of pain, guilt and suffering?
     Who do I trust to keep my secret confidential?
     What is keeping me from revealing my secret?

Want to get more insight on secrets and their danger?
Read Secrets and Lies: The Price We Pay When We Deceive The People We Love  © Jane Isay, Doubleday, The Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group, Random House.

Watch https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McFVN5VpgVU

My Captain, My Captain...

Robin Williams is dead. Please say it isn't so. There is already enough pain in the world, I don't want one of my "pain-relievers" to be gone. 

Robin William's character, John Keating, in Dead Poet's Society introduced me to carpe diem, "seize the day." I was like one of Keating's students, naive, ignorant, future focused, selfish. William's character made me face reality, all we are is dust in the wind. Life is short. Life is precious. Stop worrying about tomorrow and live today. Be mindful and be in the moment. Life is about connection. I embraced carpe diem. My wife, Terri, morphed it into Carrpe Diem and it became my mantra, my tagline, my daily purpose, my tattoo!

For some reason, Don Mclean's American Pie keeps rolling around in my head. It's not the day the music died, but the day the laughter died. 

Mclean's song is complicated. It was written in turbulent times, about turbulent times and yet times are turbulent today. For me, Robin William's death underscores the macro torture in the world narrowed down to the micro torture within. I have to admit, I've had fleeting thoughts of, "is life worth living?" but not to the point of wanting to end my life. 

Robin William's death brings back a vivid memory of a co-worker, a friend, thirteen years ago, who also took her life. I was the last person with whom she spoke. It's one of my micro tortures I've relived many times, trying to figure out what I missed, what clues were there.  I am sure people close to Williams are going through the same agony. To them and a reminder to myself...

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge-
That myth is more potent than history.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts-
That hope always triumphs over experience-
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death.
                                                                    Robert Fulghum

I'm going to watch some of Robin William's funniest material and bring the laughter back to life. I need to seize the day.