Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying!

Bonnie Ware, a nurse who has served those who were in the last stages of life, learned a lot from her patients.

In her blog, Inspiration and Chai, she blogs, Regrets of the Dying. She found there were five common regrets.

1. There were regrets of not living their life authentically. They had lived their life according to the expectations of others. Do you know your purpose? Are you living your purpose or are you living someone else's purpose?

2. There were regrets of working so much that they missed things that really mattered like their children's sports events, school activities and accomplishments of their significant others. Most of us say what is important in our lives... God, our significant others, our children, our friends, but are we being there for them? Are you living your priorities?

3. There were regrets for not sharing feelings and speaking up. When was the last time you had a conversation with someone about love? When was the time you said, "I love you?"

When was the last time you had a conversation about your fear? When was the last time you shared your vulnerability, your hurt, your pain... your shame?

4. When people were dying they were visited by friends. There were regrets that they had not spent more time connecting with friends and nurturing relationships. We all complain there is never enough time. The greater challenge is accounting where we spend our time and focusing on what is really meaningful. Who do you need to reconnect with? Where do you need to build a bridge? With whom do you need to deepen a relationship?

5. There were regrets of not choosing to be happier. They were regrets of not laughing more and of taking life too seriously. The happiest people I know are those who are full of gratitude, those who are serving and helping others and those, those who are living a life of abundance rather than a life of scarcity.

There is a scene in the movie Shawshank Redemption where Andy and Red are sitting in the prison courtyard. Andy realizes he is not going get justice and leave prison. Red asks Andy what he is going to do. Andy tells Red it boils down to, "You either get busy living or get busy dying."

What do you choose?

See Bonnie Ware's blog at http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html

A Different Bird of Prey

I got word in early January of this year that my cousin’s son, Nate, was to become an Eagle Scout.

I wrote and congratulated him. To be a Boy Scout is rare. There are less than 3 million Boy Scouts in the United States out of potential of 20 plus million. Out those 3 million Boy Scouts, only 2% or 60,000 will reach the rank of Eagle Scout.

Only 2 million young men have become Eagle Scouts since its beginning in 1911.

Why don’t more Boy Scouts become Eagle Scouts? I think there are several reasons. The success and growth of Scouting and becoming an Eagle Scout is due to inspiring leaders who are interested in youth. It takes a major commitment to be an effective Scout leader. There maybe a shortage of such leaders.

It also takes interested and supportive parents. With two parents working in many households or single heads of households, this can be a challenge.

Second, Scouting is about the outdoors. Let’s face it, many of us spend over 90% of our time in a “built” environment. The outdoors is an uncomfortable place to many.

Third, today’s youth have so many activities to choose from including sports, music, clubs and other youth programs. Scouting competes with many other possibilities.

Fourth, being a Boy Scout let alone an Eagle Scout may be seen as “uncool.” President Gerald Ford, our 38th President and an Eagle Scout, once was publicly criticized for being “too much of a Boy Scout.” President Ford went back and reviewed the Scout Oath and Scout Law. He said, “ If these are not the goals of the people of the United States want their president to live up to, then I must draw this conclusion: Either you have the wrong man or I have the wrong country, and I don’t believe either is so.”

Fifth, to become an Eagle Scout requires a tremendous amount of perseverance and self-discipline. An Eagle Scout has 5.5 years to work through five ranks, earn 21 merit badges, serve as a leader and complete a service project. As many Scouts approach the age of 16, driving and dating become a distraction to completing the Eagle Award.

I wrote Nate, I had some bad news for him...becoming an Eagle Scout is not the end, but the beginning. I told him he’d chosen to live the Scout Oath, Scout Law and Scout Motto and be a role model to others. It is an awesome responsibility. I suggested he not take it lightly. The world needs leaders and his work in becoming an Eagle Scout is a true foundation in his leadership formation.

Eagle Scouts do not achieve this award by themselves. I asked Nate to make sure he sat down with his mother and father look them in the eye and say "THANK YOU" for their support for being there for him, for believing in him, for helping him achieve this award. Most of all, thank them for being Eagle Scout parents and loving him to be an Eagle. Nate did it, but they were in the background! A second round of thank you’s are in order to his Scoutmaster and those who helped him with merit badges, those he has lead and those who helped him with his service project.

Scouting runs deep in our family. Nate’s Great Grandfather Privette and Grandfather Privette were professional Scouters. I came into the possession of a small hand carved wooden statue of a Scout that belonged to my Grandfather, Nate’s Great Grandfather. I am not sure if my Grandfather carved it or if it a friend of his carved it. It has been sitting on my bookshelf near my reading chair. I have looked at it many times and imagined all kinds of things. I am passing it onto Nate.

The rest of my thoughts are in a short YouTube clip I created for Nate. See

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlY96X8ubuo

Ode to Max

We didn’t think we were “dog” people. Our son requested, perhaps demanded a dog when we moved from Kettering, OH to Lebanon, OH back in 2002. My wife set some parameters - small dog, house broken, got along with children and people. So the hunt began. There were regular trips to the Humane Society. Then one day, a friend called and said, “Your dog is here at the Humane Society in Dayton! Come get him now!”

His name was Max. Nobel. Sharp. Classy. Strong. Polite. He was about 1.5 years old. We are not really sure why someone gave him up. He was intelligent. He was house broken. We became “dog” people. We became “Max” people. We fell in love, head over heals with a 26 pound salt and pepper miniature Schnauzer named Max!

He did bark when people came to our house. I think it was Max’s way of earning his keep, protecting us! Once we assured him that it was okay, he settled down. Friends wanted to take him home. He was an incredible addition to the Carr home. He brought a subtle peace and tranquility to our home.

No matter what kind of day you had when you got home Max was the welcoming committee to let you know you were loved, valued and needed. Max made you feel like you were okay when the rest of the world may have thought otherwise.

Max made me appreciate the simple things in life. A walk, which he got twice a day, was wonderful! The world was full of curiosity and wonder to him. He snapped to attention when a squirrel was nearby. He was friendly to most other dogs including dogs two, three and four times his size! In fact, I don’t think he knew fear, although he did not like lightning.

Every morning Max and I would get up around 5 AM. I’d make coffee. I’d read my devotion, do meditation and then we’d go for a walk. Breakfast, the same old dry Iams with a fish oil capsule, brought delight! His stub of a tail twitched! I’d ask Max... “Do you want the Belgium waffle stuffed with fruit and cream cheese or the Western omelet with double meat"...he didn’t care...just give me my scoop of Iams! Fresh water too!

He could stare you down. Those small intense brown almond eyes were laser sharp, especially when you were eating. He did not beg. But he watched every move you made when you had food. Ant’s starved around our house, because the littlest crump that fell to the floor was consumed by Max!

Max was everyone’s dog in the family. He’d roughhouse with Bretton. He’d cuddle with Terri. He’d sleep with Erin. He’d be at my feet when I read. We were blessed to have this incredible dog in our lives for nearly 10 years. I am going to miss him. We are going to miss him. He passed away too soon.

Can You Recommend Me?

Perhaps you are on the social media website LinkedIn. Do you have recommendations? Have you gotten a request from a coworker, friend or colleague asking you to write a recommendation for them? How easy was that? How hard was that?

Everyone is worth recommending for something. The coworker who is the office cutup and makes everyone laugh, worth recommending for not taking work too seriously. The colleague who arrives on time for work, for every meeting, for appointments and leaves on time is worth recommending for punctuality. The friend who always has an excuse for not being able to help out when in need worth recommending for creativity. How about the coworker who never is to blame for mistakes, problems or failure worth recommending for being perfect. How about the colleague who critiques, who finds fault, and who whines about everyone and everything, worth recommending for an eye for detail. There is the always vocal and opinionated friend who is worth recommending for being knowledgeable. The colleague who is always talking, never silent maybe worth recommending for used car sales.

Are you worth being recommended? For what should you be recommended?

Can you be recommended as someone who goes the extra mile, who does the unexpected, who can be counted on in the good times and the bad times?

Can you be recommended as someone who takes ownership for their mistakes, who learns from failure and makes herself more valuable to the team?

Can you be recommended as someone who is self-assured and gives credit to others when success occurs?

Can you be recommended as someone who makes life just a little bit easier to live, a joy to be around, a person who knows your faults and accepts you just for who you are?

Can you be recommended as a confidant, someone who has integrity, someone who is ethical, someone who walks-their-talk?

Can you be recommended as someone who is imperfect, has flaws, accepts themselves just as they are and continues to be a work in progress?

What will you be recommended for?

Learning New Steps

In Jim Wallis’ book, Rediscovering Values, he suggests our country is in need of a moral recovery more than an economic recovery. As I read his book, I found myself being angry at our collective greed, selfishness, lack of compassion and lack of respect for others and planet earth. We point fingers at everyone but ourselves. We are a quart low on critical thinking and self-discipline. I believe this is where the moral recovery needs to begin.

Critical thinking begins with challenging ourselves on listening and not taking things personally when someone offers an opinion or viewpoint different from our own. Its about asking more questions and seeking to better understand. Critical thinking is about being curious. Critical thinking is about being guided by principles. The civic group, Rotary, have The Four-Way Test they recite at their weekly meetings and use in decision making. It is the keystone to ethical behavior leading to better conversations, better interactions and better community.

1. Is it the TRUTH?
2. Is it FAIR to all concerned?
3. Will it build GOODWILL and BETTER FRIENDSHIPS
4. Will it be BENEFICIAL to all concerned?

The Rotary Four Way Test might be a good model for all of us to use in becoming better critical thinkers. It might just help reduce our deficit of critical thinking. It would help a major “talking head” with 3 million nightly viewers to be more thoughtful when he makes a statement that he believes 10% of all Muslims are terrorists. (There are nearly 1.4 billion Muslims in the world. Does he really believe there are nearly 1.5 million Muslim terrorists? The National Security Administration says that number is grossly wrong as well as terrorism is not limited to any one group.) It would help if a U.S. Senator would check his facts before he makes a statement that over 90% of Planned Parenthood’s funds go to abortions. Only 3% of their money goes to abortion.

The Rotary Four Way Test might challenge the corporate CEO who makes 300, 500 and even 900 times what the lowest paid worker in the organization makes. Jim Wallis writes that the U.S. budget is a moral document. Perhaps The Rotary Four Way Test might help our law makers deal with the budget and our economy morally.

Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled suggests we love others by first loving ourselves. The work of learning to love ourselves begins with self-discipline including learning to delay our desires, be accountable for our choices and actions, accept truth as reality and learn to create and maintain balance in our lives. Perhaps if we all practiced more self-discipline, our moral recovery would aid our economic recovery.

Wallis’ book has challenged me to be more thoughtful in my purchases including where I shop. I will think about my need versus my want. I am going to consider others needs versus my wants. I’m going to make more of an effort to purchase locally including farmer markets. I am going to work to spend less time using social media and email and going to have face-to-face conversations with others. I am going work at having meals with others, eat more slowly and be in conversation with others. I am going ask more than tell. I am going to be even more thoughtful about recycling. I am going to be even more thoughtful about my use of water and energy. I have been simplifying my lifestyle and I am going to be even more thoughtful in this endeavor. My next car purchase will be a used car as well as a more fuel efficient, energy saving vehicle. I am going to contact my legislative representatives and voice my opinion and concern more often. I am going to take the approach my actions are for the long term and to benefit others as well as myself rather than the short term and just for me. I am going to make sure my idea of the “good life” is inclusive of others.

I know I will fail at these attempts, but I am also going to keep failing forward.

What is the Greatest Challenge Facing Leaders?

At the blog, Linked 2 Leadership (see http://linked2leadership.com/2011/03/29/lbqa-greatest-challenge-today/) Marcia Witte asked the question, “What do you consider to be the greatest leadership challenge facing leaders today - and how best might they meet the challenge?”

There are some thoughtful answers from six different leadership gurus. Two write about engaging the teams they are leading by getting out of their offices and getting commitment from their follower-ship. Others write about dealing with challenges, skepticism, building trust and creating balance.

I believe the toughest challenge facing leaders today is “walking-your-talk.” A leader must be very clear about his or her values, what he or she stands for, what he or she will not stand for. I suggest writing this down and making this a dynamic document. Refer to this document regularly. Share this document with those whom you are leading and be willing to ask on a regular, ongoing basis, “How am I doing?” Get input from your mentor, your significant other and even your children! “Walking-your-talk” will impact and influence one’s follower-ship. As Kouzes and Posner point out in their best selling book, The Leadership Challenge, “modeling the way” has greater impact on an organization’s bottom-line than good customer service!

I was deeply saddened to read about Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel’s NCAA violation. I have referred to Tressel’s leadership video, Beyond the Sidelines: Lessons in Leadership from Coach Jim Tressel. While I forgive him for his bad behavior, I am wondering if his message can have the same impact on future viewers.

I am currently reading Jim Wallis best selling book, Rediscovering Values. Wallis challenges the reader not to waste this crisis and to re-examine what is really important. A moral recovery is more important than an economic recovery. This is a matter of the heart, not one’s pocketbook.

What are your values? What do you stand for? Are your values principled? Will you be lead by principled values at the time of crisis and conflict? It’s at the times of crisis and conflict where character is revealed, not developed!

Carrpe Diem! or Carpe diem?

Periodically I get an email like this one...

“I have heard Carrpe Diem before but looked it up to make sure, is it Carrpe Diem or Carpe Diem?”

If your last name is Carr, then it’s Carrpe Diem! I’ve been using the closing, “Carrpe Diem!” for my notes, letters and emails since the early ’90’s shortly after the movie Dead Poet’s Society came out. It was my wife’s idea to use Carrpe Diem! as the name for our sailboat. I liked the idea not only as the name of our sailboat but as a tag line and closing.

They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary. John Keating, Dead Poet’s Society, 1989

I’ll let you in on a secret. Carrpe Diem! is code. I use it many times a day. It is reminder to me to pause, connect, be present, push back, take a breath and ask myself some questions. Who I am being? How am I being experienced? What am I experiencing? Am I at a “thin place,” (a place between heaven and earth where I experience the Divine)?

While we live in the age of communication with exploding social media, we also live in the age of distraction. Carrpe Diem! is a reminder to focus. Carrpe Diem! is at the heart of my passion, experiential learning. It’s being present as you are challenged, but its also the interaction of those present, sharing, hearing, discovering, relating, and asking more questions.

“Carpe diem! Momento mori!”

“Seize the day” is only half of the story. “Momento mori - remember you shall die.” To me, that second part is just as important as the first. Recently, I was in the presence of my sister-in-law as she passed away from a terminal illness. Family members who gathered around her as she was leaving this earth, loved her to death. In this time, we were “seizing the day” as well as seizing a life rich in history, rich in connections, rich in love. Nothing else mattered. We were in the “thin place.”

Where do you need to carpe diem! When will you do it? How will you do it?